


Fatal wounds. Still, I’m alive.

by Angeline Farewell (Neve83)



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Thorki - Freeform, Translation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 18:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16203254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neve83/pseuds/Angeline%20Farewell
Summary: [...]They were travelling with their people on a spaceship that wasn’t theirs, lost in a space never explored before, when Loki had agreed to really reveal himself.So you will finally realize you lost everything, Loki had told him. [...]





	Fatal wounds. Still, I’m alive.

**Fatal wounds. Still I’m alive.**

Thor thought he knew pain. Throughout his long – too long – life he’d felt all kinds of pain, many and many times. He suffered wounds on too vigorous workouts, felt his muscles tense to the breaking point, endured swords’ cuts, and the bite of wild beasts. And the solitude of no longer belonging to anyone other than themselves.

_Trifles._

Pain is something else entirely, it’s an open gash on the chest, deep and suppurating, a slash so ghastly it would not heal, nor kill you either. Pain is to bear the weight of a last glance, of green eyes that beg for your forgiveness and for you to keep living, it’s the oxymoron of eyes red as life and empty as death.

Pain is realizing you looked in those carmine springs as deep as blood just once.

Thor knew about Loki’s true heritage of course, somewhere in his mind the abstract concept that, under the skin, Loki wasn’t the pallid moon Thor had always wanted to touch until brand it as its own, that idea was there. But there was never an opportunity to make that hypothesis real _before_ , and Thor doubted he could ask now to the brother who he still loved with all his heart for a closeness he feared they lost.

They were travelling with their people on a spaceship that wasn’t theirs, lost in a space never explored before, when Loki had agreed to really reveal himself.

 _So you will finally realize you lost everything_ , Loki had told him. But it’d been a bite devoid of poison, it got lost in the tremor of Loki’s voice, in the dismay in those green eyes.

"Do you understand it now? We are not equal, nor will we ever be. "

Thor had searched in those pools of dark blood and didn’t understand anyway. Perhaps Loki had always been right saying that love makes you stupid, and it made his heart broke a little to think that perhaps Loki had never really loved him if he had never suffered from that particular brand of foolishness.

"Stay like this a little longer, then, so I can understand it better."

Thor was getting better at hurting him. To really hurt him, not only little scratches to Loki’s always too susceptible pride, but carvel where it hurt the most. As Thor did never want to do _before_ , as Loki himself had taught him by example on countless occasions, leaving Thor helpless to swallow the mouthfuls of resentment that Loki threw at him with a smile on his lips.

They drunk together the wine Thor was about to drink alone, in that dark and distasteful room, sitting on a bed too uncomfortable to be the alcove for the pleasure of a hedonist tyrant. Perhaps Loki lied about that too, but Thor didn’t care anymore.

The wine was too sweet for their tastes, but they drank it nevertheless, till the last drop.

"We're not drunk enough for it to be a suitable excuse. Besides, this junk tastes like spiced water anyway."

Loki’s voice was inflectionless as he put down the last cup, still half full. His gaze was lost and unfocused, and Thor wondered if Loki was aware he’d spoken aloud. But did it really matter? The implications in Loki’s words were so troubling they obliterated any other thought or question. Thor wished he could pretend to not understand.

"Even if I stay like _this_ it's not an acceptable pretext, right? Even though I've been _adopted_. "

Loki had spat the last word as if it were a bitter morsel to swallow. And it really was. Thor just wanted to be able to hug him again.

"Why did he have to say that I was _his_? It would have been easier if he had not said it, it was not _necessary_! " It was like Loki was arguing with himself, or the ghost of Odin, Thor couldn’t tell for sure.

 _I could have loved you as I wanted and not as I must_. But neither of them had the courage to admit it out loud.

"There's nobody left now."

"We are. Maybe it's enough. " Thor hoped so.

How much can you say without speaking? In the dim light Loki's skin had acquired a soft, pleasingly sensual halo. The purple hues on his ultramarine skin rounded the sharp edges that had always spoiled the appearance of the second prince of Asgard. Darkness had always made him look more intimidating, never enticing.

" _We_ is always been our real problem, Thor."

Loki got up slowly, his movements betrayed a weariness that Thor felt himself. Loki’s skin had gradually begun to clear, like a veil that fell back on to cover the essentials.

"Stay."

Thor had taken Loki’s wrist, gently, without imposing himself too much. Loki could have freed himself easily, all it would have taken was a step away from Thor. The mask had withdrawn, though, the dim light was still dressing him in sweetness.

"Do I have to stay like _this_?"

"Stay as you wish. You are always yourself."

When Loki had leaned down toward him, Thor had thought it was going to happen: they would kiss, finally. But Loki had stopped a few inches from his face, enough for their breaths to mix, but not to touch. He did not stop looking for something in Thor's only eye, something he probably did not want to call.

"I can’t even imagine myself like _this_ , and you just look at me as if nothing had changed."

Everything had changed instead. They both knew it, but it was easier to say nothing, to let things just happen.

Loki's breath on his lips could have been enough for another lifetime if it was the only contact Loki was willing to allow him.

"It has not -"

Loki didn’t give him the opportunity to answer. His lips silenced Thor, but without urgency, with the shadow of a smile Loki covered the distance that separated them. And with that kiss he freed both of them from the weight of too many years of unmade decisions, of offenses and ridicules thrown carelessly just to protect their hearts, of bitterness and silence, but also of hugs that always lasted too long, of a bed shared well beyond the convenience of childhood, an emotional addiction that had nothing to do with a shared patronymic. With that kiss they freed themselves of too many years of unexpressed love.

Perhaps, _perhaps_ , they could finally love each other as they wanted, not just as they must.

Loki did not changed his skin, he stayed like _this_. If for Thor or for himself, not even Loki could tell it for sure, but it did not really matter. Their planet didn’t exist anymore, their parents were dead, they no longer belonged to any place or family, but they still belonged to each other.

"Are you sure it's a good idea to take me with you to Midgard?"

"No, but everything will be fine, you'll see."

In retrospect, he shouldn’t have chosen those words. _Everything will be fine_. Nothing had been fine.

And, seeing how things went, Thor could not really say whether or not it was a good thing they weren’t able to undress completely, they just languidly kissed convinced of having all the time in the universe. Then there was no time left, and Loki had once again veiled himself in a more comfortable skin, behind colder eyes.

So, what is pain? The grip of Thanos, who was also about to tear off his head, has the taste of a harmless pinch now that Thor feels like his heart is beating outside his chest.

Pain ... pain is losing love after having finally grasped it, and knowing that there’s nothing you can do to take it back.

Thor still has all his power, lightning runs beneath his skin and on the tips of his fingers, terrorizing creatures who peacefully approached the wreck of the spacecraft that hosts a people without a future. They are all dead.

Loki is dead. Love is dead. And to admit it, is the only pain that can never be healed.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I translated this little fanfiction of mine in English, that obviosly is not my mother language. Sorry for all the mistakes, it's not beta-ed, but if someone want to point out them to me, please DM me? I have a [tumblr ](http://angeline-farewell.tumblr.com/). :)


End file.
